Predictable
by Poltersprite
Summary: I lampshade the hell out of the cliches on the show. Starring drunk!Lex, Product Placement Pete, and Clueless Clark.
1. Drinking

**Predictable**

"You know, I've made this into a game."

Clark had just barged into Lex's mansion for the eighth time that month, accusing him of the latest atrocity to befall Smallville. Lex forgot what Clark was talking about halfway through the diatribe. Something about poison in the water supply causing amnesia citywide.

"What?" Clark replied, equal parts confused and angry.

"This - this 'break in and blame me for whatever's going wrong' thing." Lex hiccuped. Clark used his newly aquired sense of super smell to discern that Lex had been drinking. Super smell had been a pain in the ass when he had to go out into the cow pasture, but it wasn't entirely useless.

"Have you been drinking?" Clark asked, not wanting to be _too_ direct.

"And then" Lex continued, 'I'll bust my ass to fix whatever it is, and after all of the wacky shenanigans, you'll apologize for being such a douche. What I'm wondering is this: why don't you ever switch it up a bit? You could always try giving me the benefit of the doubt. You could also remember the other twenty times when I didn't do anything wrong." Lex hicupped, "Of course, once this little episode is over, you won't remember a word I've said. In fact, we'll probably be doing a repeat of this sometime in the next week."

Clark decided to wait until Lex was sober before he did more accusing "I'll come back later."

"And that's another thing, how the hell do you keep breaking in?" Clark waited as long as possible before answering.

"I. . .uh. . .squeezed through the bars?"

Lex managed to give clark a condescending look in spite of the fact that he was drunk. "Sure you did."

Lex patted Clark on the shoulder."Clark, have I ever told you about Pinnochio? It's a very important history lesson."

Clark tapped Lex on the head and dumped him on the couch. Martha was going to have to deliver the produce next time.


	2. Out of Place

**Out of Place**

Clark was standing in his barn, staring longingly at Lana's house through his telescope, when he heard Pete enter.

"Clark, Clark are you here?"

"Up here."

"Oh, good." Pete walked up the stairs, joining Clark at the large window.

"I wanted to talk to you about Chloe."

"Lana? Why, did something happen to her?"

Pete stared at Clark. "No Clark, Chloe. You know, short, blond, great with computers? Pete almost seemed to realize that he didn't need to state three of Chloe's attributes, but that was the way everyone in Smallville talked.

"Huh? Oh her." Clark put on his best 'Lie back and think of England face', and waited for Pete to continue.

"Yeah, well. . . I wanted to know if you had feelings for her. Because after the dance last night me and her kind of. . ." Pete made a crude gesture with his hands.

"Hm. Oh, no." Clark had resumed his wistful staring while Pete had been talking. "We're just friends Pete, and I barely think of her as that." Clark smiled. "So how far did you guys go?" Clark said, displaying an uncharacteristic amount of interest.

"All the way." Pete said with such exuberance that it needed to be stated, but not nearly enough to warrant an exclamation mark. "And with these Trojan brand condoms, I can feel safe knowing that she won't end up pregnant." Pete held up a box of extra large condoms that emitted a bright green glow, and a high pitched sound rivaled only by mosquitos and the whining of Lana Lang. One would think that Pete or Clark would have noticed something as glaringly obvious as this, but one would be wrong.

"Uh. . .Pete," Clark said with trepidation "that's a little to much information."

Pete smiled in a way that unsettled Clark. Clark didn't know what was going on with Pete, but he was absolutely certain that he could find a way to blame it on Lex.

"Can you please leave, I have to finish my homework." Clark said despite the fact that he had no paper or writing utensils with him.

"Okay Clark." Pete said with annoyance. The kind of annoyance one might feel after seeing too many dialogue tags.

Clark sighed with relief when Pete finally left, he could finally get back to Lana Watching.


End file.
